I'm jus wondering

Existential dread and the promise of happy endings

2011-06-07T19:43:00.000-04:00

I am researching on fairy tales for a class paper. And I want to say one thing while facts and logic point me to something else. And it should be easy to revise my opinions, open my mind but I persist in holding on to something that I can't quite fathom. A feeling that niggles at the back of my mind, a certain something thats so part of me that it has never needed any explanation.

What I thought would be a fairly easy assignment has turned into a relentless soul searching. Where do we draw the line between childhood security and gender manipulation? Don't we modern women like to think of ourselves as empowered in comparison to our counterparts of earlier centuries? But then what is empowerment- its not a homogenous "equality", thats obvious. And its not ensuring a safe life or the elusive "freedom". Who do we want to be? More importantly, is who we want to be pre-programmed into us by culture? There is pretty much noway to find out- erasure of culture is a culture by itself.

And yet, if its all just manipulation why do some aspects tap into psyches far far more than others? What is that naive, childhood longing that still surfaces on lonely bus rides and loud parties? Some cultures prescribe a "swallowing" while others medicate a "running away"....but its there, always lurking, ready to flow in at the slightest slip of our ambitious, determined "happiness". Ash says nobody understands what the hell I'm talking about but then....

But then I think many can...only that these things sound unfamiliar when they are taken out of our souls and worded into sentences.

Ten steps to great parenting. Not.

2010-11-24T05:18:00.008-05:00

Raising a child is a chaos. But its not. Really? So they say- those many many authors and specialists who have broken it down, classified it, demystified it. Now we have a formula for play time, shortcuts to easy dinners, simple steps for potty training and behold, a process for tantrums. All packaged and ready to use like a cake mix. A reason to rejoice, right?

Not for me. This system of simple steps has always raised mild alarm bells in my head. I wasn't too sure why. Some soul searching and a lot of recent reading has given me a clue to why "organized" child rearing" bothers me so much. Well, to start there is the approach where the parent pulls back to look at the child as a separate little entity that has to be trained into a certain way like a little dog, pushed and sculpted to fit an accepted mold. I wonder why we have to detach ourselves so severely from the tinies who were a physical part of us and continue to be an emotional part of us, to be so rigidly objective or to plan our responses so methodically.

I understand that there needs to be a "letting go" at some point to demarcate the child's sense of self, to build his/her confidence but perhaps it doesn't have to have a formatted transition. Each culture has its own path to this letting go, its own processes and its own values it seeks to transfer. There is no ONE way, there is no ONE solution.

I also feel that planning our parenting strategies to such a great extent kills our emotional responses, or spiritual instincts that are otherwise at play in this relation between parent and child. A naturalness in our natures that automatically reaches out to nurture and relay aspirations and despair. The contemporary science of parenting seeks to propagate only the positive, only the "presence" but what can be positive and present if it weren't for the negative and "absent"? How can we block one dimension- the one that lends us depth- of our existence from our sensitive little people without consciously pushing them away? I think, though it might sound rather regressive, that transmitting positive and the negative- happiness and sorrow- are so so essential for the wholesome development of a child. (By negative, I don't mean intense anger, hate or any other emotion that is self destructive and extreme) And we don't live in a happy, yet plastic Disney Land- we exist in a real world with real emotions. So why not be real with our children?

When a child is born, so is a complex multi-conscious bond that replaces the physical cord that was cut. This connection is not a uni-direction or even a dual directional one like a string but one that is fluid and pervades the ether of our lives. So in essence it silently fills into the negative spaces and mixes into the everyday like an ocean. Parenthood is a hybridization of our existing lifestyle with the life of the newcomer. This mixing is a gentle process, a quiet process that may have many a turbulent turns. But it is a natural process. One that needs time, patience and understanding- precious commodities that our jobs, schedules and hobbies don't permit.

Wonder Child

2010-06-29T13:58:00.003-04:00

I cannot believe that two years have flown past so quickly. And it will be just a matter of time before A will be all raring to go to college and I will be sitting wondering how life just zoomed by me. So easily I forget to catch hold of each day and savour my son's wonderful accomplishments- his learning a new rhyme, his first understanding of numbers, trying to scale the bookshelf (Ok, thats scary...and its fine if I freak out!!!) as I am caught up in our little skirmishes about food, giving him his bath on time and other such trivialities and I fail to thoroughly appreciate our soccer matches, how smartly he imitates me, his apptitude for technology, his stubborn streak. When I do open my eyes I'm amazed at how much of me there is in him. The little things that annoy me so much like his singlemindedness, passion to explore and wanting to be constantly challenged(read that as gets bored easily) are qualities he probably inherited from his momma who most definitely gave her momma a very tough time. A, you're so very precious and perhaps you won't realize this until you have kids of your own but your daddy and I are so dependant on you that you'd be surprised. Though you need us to keep you safe and fed, we so desperately need you to keep us sane, together and in love. You're our mission, our cause and our soul.

Iman...yes!!! Hijaab...um, not now!!!

2010-06-01T19:44:00.004-04:00

This a very difficult post to write. I don't want to sound preachy or holier than thou. What I really want to convey is my mindset and thoughts as I made an crucial decision in my life.

For years I have been struggling with the idea of embracing the Hijaab. Yes, I was raised muslim. Yet I went through a phase where I needed to know if I would have turned to Islam had I been born into a family of different beliefs- a test of Faith. I remember when I was fresh out of college and I had all these questions, when I was angry that the answers did not seem simple, when I was torn between two opposing universes that I felt could never coincide. Gradually, the pieces fell into place and things started to make sense.

I believed. I called myself a muslim with pride but wearing the Hijaab was a different matter altogether. In my mind there were huge obstacles to the simple act of dressing a little differently. The first one was, of course, What would everyone say? Would my family remind me of the times I had refused to wear a Hijaab and perhaps, patronize me a little? Would my friends whisper behind my back and laugh at how marriage washed me out? Would acquaintances think of me as a fanatic or worse a spineless, mediocre (not to mention intellectually dead) housewife? Back then I was so apologetic to drape a wispy shawl, which would more often slip down to my shoulders than stay on my head, that I felt I was in some way hurting the universe.

They second was that I found it so uncomfortable to handle the scarf. It would never ever sit on my head properly. It would slip down, mess up my hair, choke me when I tugged at it, tear when I pinned it, drop into food at the buffet table, entagle with a certain toddlers legs. (honest!! Its happened!!) Whew!! I've felt like such a klutz!!! Nothing at all like those poised Hijaabi women you see at the mall wearing Armaani scarves and Gucci boots.

And it can get hot inside a black, synthetic Hijaab. And I'm used to the wind sensually ruffling my hair. And I don't want to appear too different. And I don't want to be ostacrized. And its too complicated to match one more accessory to my outfit. And nobody will ever see me wear necklaces again. And I shall cover my hair when I'm older. And I hated those corny e-mails of how peas wear a green Hijaab and apples and bananas are happy to be in their skins too!! Oh yes!! There were so many reasons not to wear a Hijaab.

But there's only one reason to become a Hijaabi. That it is the dress code that Allah has prescribed of us. (Its funny how we are only worried about how a muslimah is "oppressed" with a dress code while a man too has limitations to what he can wear in public) I have read so many articles, seen so many videos that justify the Islamic attire- some made sense and many many others that were whimsical and childish in my opinion. None of these really touched me. A small niggle in the back of my mind gradually built up to an avalanche of shame, frustration and self doubt. I just knew it was wrong. Reason did not convince me, Faith did. If I believed in the omnipotence of my Lord, I would have to follow his law. As any empiricist will tell you, our knowledge of the world is limited to what our minds are able to perceive. We can only define what we can perceive and not what in reality is. Then with the little I am capable of knowing and the further teensy bit I actually know, I found it hugely presumptuous and arrogant of me to debate on the merits of anything our God has decreed. Period.

That being said, I have to own up that my Hijaab does slide down my hair (though not as often, Alhamdulilah:)) I don't wear it to the gym, with sarees and some other times. Don't ask me why...I'm working on it!!! As for all my excuses..... everything became easier once I started. My family was supportive, my true friends simply accepted me and I can survive the occasional odd stare. As for being a Klutz, I've always been a little clumsy...Ask all the people who've seen me fall!! But practice does make it easier to not humiliate yourself too much :D. As for the heat, there are lighter cotton options...and other minor details don't look as insurmountable. I've become more confident and so much more at peace with myself. I know who I am, don't need to make excuses to myself or anyone else and so grateful to be at this wonderful stage in my life.

Alhamdulilah.

2010-03-29T22:42:00.002-04:00

I'm so sorry, but no!!! I don't want to. Leave me alone.

Who wants to be an adult? Not me!! Even though all outward evidence points otherwise, I do not want to grow up. I love my space, my possessions (people included), red meat, prejudices and passions far too much to be "mature" about them. Read that as give them up!!!

Caution: Use with care. Highly addictive!!!

2009-09-29T17:46:00.003-04:00

There should be a statutory warning printed on every pack! Pack of what? Of paper plates, of course! No, no I've not lost it!! I shall explain the logic with a little story.....

Once upon a time there where three lil bears who lived in a condo. There was papa bear who was busy all the time, mama bear who did not want to be busy all the time and baby bear who kept mama bear busy all the time. Due to a lousy heating system and ENORMOUS heating bills, they decided to move to a cozy apartment for the winter. So come fall, they moved out...and woohoo was that a super difficult feat or wht. Bad movers, crazy apartment rules and a lot of other factors wore them out. So papa bear got take out and a whole bunch of paper plates and cups so mama bear could do other chores like lifting huge boxes and keep baby bear from getting squashed!! Then they moved, partially set up house and even got out their regular plates...but mama bear still uses the paper ones...:D And she plans to do so until papa bear notices!!!

There you go!!! Now you know the grim tale of how I...ahem, I mean mama bear got addicted!! So Beware!!

2009-07-25T05:50:00.002-04:00

Do you sometimes a song was a person? Someone who is like that first gulp of air after you forget to breathe, lost in intense, confused thought. Someone like fresh, cold water on the dry, parched soles of your feet. Like a comforting warmth in your palm.

Whats up with the universe and Vista?

2009-07-16T14:36:00.000-04:00

Yup...you guessed it!! This is going to be another rant! I am annoyed....very annoyed. I wake up this morning to find out that people take joy in interfering with my travel plans, my son thinks biting me is a game and Vista is the most painful OS!!!

Autocad 2006 is not compatible with dear ol' Vista and neither is 2007!!! And trial versions of 2010 may choose to work on one system and not the other!!!! Micro-morons!!!!

Truth? Whose?

2009-06-05T15:15:00.002-04:00

Erica Jong, in her website, writes "Tell your truth not the world's" as advice for aspiring writers. It strikes a chord....actually a concatenation of sounds that could be a song!!! My song!!!

Whats up?

2009-05-28T08:48:00.004-04:00

Long time....yes, I know. But something happened. A small little course at UW. Class once a week. Two essays to submit over the weekend, every week. Nice! Wait....on what? Philosophy!!!! Yikes....philosophy of architecture!! What was I thinking? Like most things in my life I din't know what I was getting into.

Now I have just one more class to go and I feel life will never be the same again....there I go again..all melodramatic!!! What was so special is that I learnt something so very important. That there is a link between Language, metalanguage and architecture. Yay!!! Now I can put it all together, shake it all up and gulp it down like a milkshake!!! Then I realized how much of reading I have to do, want to do. I kinda lost track of things I wanted to explore after I came to the US...but now I can see an open window.

The class was good....but I need to make use of it for anything effective to germinate. Germinate...You know, try as I might, I'm not a gardening person. Nor am I a handicraft person. I wish I could be....taking, absorbing joy in a detail, a blossom! I digress. So I want to travel. Yeah right! I do but its not going to happen in the near future. But i can dream. Travelling with a backpack, walking through a city, absorbing it, reading in transit, learning to say hello in local languages. The life of a nomad!!

Spice route, Bellevue

2009-03-28T20:41:00.003-04:00

The first thing that stands out about this restaurant is that there are no cheap pictures of the Taj Mahal, paintings of village women or any other such monstrosity. Now you know I'm talking about a rarity!!!
We find ourselves visiting often as it is next door to the Indian store and its perfect for an after-grocery shopping-weekend lunch or dinner. I prefer dinner since lunch is buffet and buffet doesn't suit me except for breakfast at the Hilton :) Anyway as I was saying, the decor doesn't jarr your senses. And the food is pretty decent. The only restaurant around that serves Halal meat and South Indian cuisine together. The menu has a little of everything...there's chettinad, tandoori and Tiramisu!!
Service is fairly quick and the people are courteous! But...there's always a but...but the tables are so close to each other that you're bound to feel like a bunch of sardines packed together. Yeah...but as Meatlof said...Two out of three ain't bad!!

Perfect holiday

2009-03-27T15:50:00.001-04:00

I know...I hate those long monologues of someone's boring (boring to me) vacation. This is not a recollection but a dream of how a holiday should be. I love nature and trekking and ultimately I would want to walk and explore a city. Carrying a backpack, map in hand I would love to stroll through a magnificent city, eat in little corner cafes, photograph the graffiti, browse through little bookshops and taste the sweetness of doing things at my pace. Yeah...I want to do this alone.

Not that I'm reclusive or anything. Anyone who would like to do things my way without getting on my nerves is welcome! But no hurrying me or "Could you keep this in your bag too?" And ofcourse "Lets look for the nearest Saravana Bhavan" is absolutely not allowed!!!

I find it so annoying to do all the touristy things and hurry through it all so you can squeeze in the maximum for your moneys worth!

We're all bad...or so we are told!!!

2009-03-14T17:32:00.002-04:00

I got this forward that set me thinking....it said something like "we have forgotten religion, the goodness...we only talk about it during special occasions and forget to apply it to our life...yada yada yada"

Its not just this forward...we find this kind of message everywhere. We're not good Indians, muslims, hindus, citizens of the world, parents, children, healthy eaters...you name it. People are just out to up the guilt factor. Whats with this attitude? There is so much good out there...are we just blind? We have so much....but all we talk about is bad the world is. How wonderful yesterday was, how pathetic today is and how bleak tomorrow is!

Well, as Gandhi said " Be the change you want to see in the world." So see you see people eating unhealthy snacks all the time and it bothers you? Munch on carrots, keep fit and inspire people to stay healthy!! Stop sending forwards to make us lousy people feel guilty.

I'm sure all of us have something commendable. And the best of us may have a tinsy flaw somewhere. So shut it!!!

Baby rants!!!

2009-03-02T16:48:00.003-05:00

Grown ups are confused souls, really. They just can't seem to make up their minds as to what they want. Like mama is trying to feed me somethings...good things, goey things, yucky things. When I purse my lips she says,"Just give it a taste...you'll like it!" Then when I actually taste something she comes rushing and pulls it out. "Baby, you can't eat daddy's slipper!!" See, I told you... she can't make up her mind!!!

And then there is daddy...always asking me to say "mama" or "dada" when I'm minding my own business, nibbling on his buttons. Then when I do tell him my problems, he doesn't listen. He just calls out to mama "Baby's crying...maybe he's hungry(?)" Yeah sure, why would I be hungry when I just ate half the notebook you left on the side table?

Sometimes they wont pick me up "You can't be carried about all the time!!" and then other times they won't put me down "Sweety, You can't crawl on the sidewalk" What is a baby to do? Grown ups...You can't live with them or without them!!!!

Baby A

I'm feeling.....Orange!!!

2009-02-25T14:22:00.003-05:00

Have you ever had an orange feeling? I mean its a feeling that doesn't have a descriptive word in the English language. A warm feeling...not entirely good but not bad either. Kind of hanging, kind of missing something. Maybe a little restless and a little lazy. You go about doing your job somewhat enjoying it. But your mind flits about. You want to here...but there as well. Its like you haven't made up your mind. A little surreal.

Or am I just crazy?

2009-02-21T19:20:00.002-05:00

I wonder....I wonder if its better to have a hundred unfulfilled dreams or to have none at all? I used to feel sorry for people who never wanted....never let there hearts yearn. But now I'm not sure....for isn't ignorance bliss!! The pain of having loved and lost...or never knowing love at all???

Tears on a thursday

2009-01-08T13:44:00.003-05:00

Its horrible horrible horrible when all we do is sit and watch. Where is the brotherhood? Where are all those holier than thou people now? Why is there just silence as the blood flows?

There are hundreds who will preach about the 'right'; about how to eat and walk and sleep. They will argue for hours on the correct way to tie a knot or perhaps cook your veggies!!! But when it comes to life or death who cares a damn??? As long as we have our shawarmas, soap operas and Armani suits who the hell cares a damn????

2008-12-15T14:36:00.001-05:00

A poem from my journal:

I look down to see
The tallest moon
Like a pillar of light
Stretching to touch my feet

It glimmers, it gleams
And twinkles laughingly
At its reflection high above
In the navy sky.

Why me?

2008-12-13T14:24:00.003-05:00

Its supposed to snow but all I can feel is a volcanic rage. Yeah, I'm mad to put it mildly!!! People have sneaky ways of getting revenge. The worst is when they have a smile on their faces and a song on their lips and do it so innocently that you think you're the one who is delusional. Gaaaah!!!

Super slaaang!!!

2008-11-25T17:46:00.003-05:00

Heh heh heh!! Can't stop laughing!!! Read some scraps on orkut which really cracked me up!!!

Its really ridiculous how people try to be hip and put up accents and "slang" that no ones ever heard of ever before!!! I mean really, slang is informal speaking deviant from orthodox language....so that it makes speech easier. It shouldnt make ur sentences more convoluted or complex!! And that too when its coupled with basic grammatical errors.......hahahaha!!!

And there are some who type like they would sms....grrrrrrh!!!

2008-11-21T23:49:00.002-05:00

When they tell you not to judge a book by a cover, they REALLY mean it. The most sweetest and charming looking people can often be the most devious. So devious that they can be mean to lil babies even.
And when this deviousness combines with intolerance and bigotry the effect is lethal!!!

Especially since all that the world sees from the outside is little old lady who drives to church every sunday.

p.s: the church going lady is metaphor (for the dim witted)

Thought for the day

2008-11-15T03:38:00.003-05:00

I think all boring people should be arrested and tickled to death.

Not for me, please!!!

2008-08-02T01:04:00.004-04:00

Can you truly capture one medium unto another? I doubt it.

Many people have told me to combine my two passions...Architecture and writing. Into what? Architectural Journalism. But that is to absolutely negate the reasons I love the two.

I mean to squeeze a space into words...or to limit my writing to concrete? Really? I don't think so!!

Call it absolute Ego....but I find nothing more exhilarating than to create my art using the two different forms of expression. It wouldn't make any sense for me to critique someone else's design...to devote myself to someone else's thoughts, to analyze someone else's vision. Nor to sit and dabble in boring boring technical writing.

I find it so annoying that close friends who seem to know so much about me, are so blind to this very essential underlying fact. And then they tell me..."It would be just perfect for you.....You Must!! You absolutely must take this up" As if they have figured me out!!!!

Sleepless in Seattle

2008-07-12T04:05:00.002-04:00

Why sleepless in Seattle? Seattle coz Ash got a new job and we are plonked into Microsoft city...Redmond. And why sleepless? Coz baby loves to keep mommy awake through the night...I have so much to write...so much to say....but I really have to crash!!!!

Bird Brained

2008-02-28T13:33:00.003-05:00

There is a little dove who comes to my windowsill every evening to sleep. And through out the day, he sits perched on a nearby roof, or my balcony balustrade. He doesn't seem to hunt, he doesn't seem to have any bird friends...he just sits there contemplating, blinking at the Florida sun.
Ash noticed he has a little tag on his leg that reads '07. I wonder if he's lost...or some kind of recluse. Or maybe his family left him because of some strange illness and he is recuperating. Or....maybe he's a spy!!!!

My Pocket Person

2008-02-08T16:08:00.000-05:00

You're my pocket person- with me everywhere I go, silently witnessing everything I do. Not my shadow for you have a mind of your own, not my imagination for you definitely there- but a wispy entity. Not just an addition but not completely separate either.

The world might not see you but I feel your presence stronger than ever. Like we are parts of a whole but yet i know you are you and I am me. You make me feel so much more, you're so within me...yet there is so much about you I don't know.

You will soon want to break free...but I know you will be forever drawn to me as I am to you.

My little pocket person

Disclaimer: This is not a food blog....

2008-01-30T10:07:00.000-05:00

...yet i can't resist putting up pictures of some of my documented baking feats!!!

The classic upside down pineapple cake...i din't have pitted cherries to add to centers of the pineapple slices.

The Marble cake....i think this one is the simplest in the book other than the sponge cake, ofcourse.
ps: I baked this one for Ash's Birthday.

The Prettiest one by far....and the trickiest!! The double layer Strawberry cake.

Verse from the past

2008-01-24T20:17:00.000-05:00

Rummaging through an old purse, I came across a forgotten piece of paper with a poem I had written two years back in a languid mood.

After-bath

Aroma,
Heady,
Sweet smell of lemon grass;

Fresh,
Fragrant,
Water dripping off my hair;

Mild,
Cottony,
dusky light filters through lace;

Gentle,
Small,
Anklets chime as I tap my feet;

Rhythmic,
Indigo,
I stretch over printed sheets;

I breathe the moment of stillness,
My senses savor faraway whispers,
I sleep.

It takes a plastic bag!!

2007-10-08T14:48:00.000-04:00

Yeah, its like our brain is programmed to perceive only out of context...like a self surprising machine.
Me and Ash spent yesterday afternoon trying to fix that blinking srs light in the Civic. Ash worked something out, gave me a print out and I was to read out the instructions. He was looking underneath the steering wheel with a plastic bag over his head. (floor of car was dusty and we din't have the insight to fetch a cap...so we improvised with what was lying about in the car)
And thats when it hit me...the contentment bit. Maybe I'm not living out my plan but to watch my husband wear a WalMart bag on his head seemed so right!!!

And so did the high five and the "yay team!!" at the end :D

Where did you go?

2007-09-29T14:14:00.000-04:00

I don't know how my train of thoughts landed on Dee. Its been quite a while since we spoke. Quite a longer while since we said anything meaningful. I wonder why that is.

Dee, who began to talk to me only after an entire year of acquaintance.
Dee, who always wrote with an ink pen.
Dee, who said I was one of a kind.
Dee, who stood by me through out our college days.
Dee, who always helped me with my luggage.
Dee, whose humor almost always rubbed me the wrong way!!
Dee, who put up with my tantrums.
Dee, with whom I associate long bus journeys.
Dee, who had funny notions about sharing food.
Dee, who gauged my mood before putting on some music.
Dee, who has preserved some of our silent conversations on odd bits of buttersheet.
Dee, whom I have fought fiercely with on a long walk from Alsa Mall to Spencer Plaza.

And suddenly we stopped talking...or rather communicating. We would from time to time have phone conversations in which we would keep asking each other what else was new. And then exasperated, one of us would start a fight which would end with promises to keep in touch. And that would be it...back to square one.

Why did we stop being close friends? Why this veneer of ice? Perhaps we have changed....perhaps past hurts seem larger now. Or maybe there isn't much common ground anymore.

But the memories remain.

Sleeping Muse

2007-09-27T16:00:00.000-04:00

I think I'm going through a phase where I'm not able to blog. Its not laziness, its not lack of time....its none of the usual excuses. As I said to a friend earlier in the week...my mind is too crowded with a lot of nothing! I still crib and yak about so many things but I'm not able to write. I think my Muse is in hibernation and I cant wait for it to wake up and get me going!!

2007-09-12T20:05:00.000-04:00

There are times when you surprise yourself...do things you never thought you would. Endure, trudge and survive!!! And for causes that your conscious cannot really perceive or imagine. Its like you do so much...keeping faith that its the right thing to do. And that some spiritual force is leading you to rewards worth everything and more.
And hence I keep the faith.

Yellow bellied excuse!!!

2007-08-28T22:01:00.000-04:00

A stomachache is such handy little thing really. Or atleast an excuse of one is. Its a one word answer to a whole lot of annoying questions.
"Why isn't your home-work done?"
"Why didn't you submit your pappers on time?"
"I didn't see you at my wedding...?"
"Will you help me dust the encyclopedia?"
"So why only rasam today?"

So finally when you do acquire one and have absolutely no use for it, you can almost hear the fates giggling!!!

2007-08-24T09:08:00.000-04:00

After a long long time, I sat to design something. I must admit I had forgotten how it feels to first see blank paper. A sense of exhilaration tinged with panic!!!!

Looking Down a Lighthouse

2007-08-10T09:21:00.000-04:00

2007-08-09T14:04:00.000-04:00

I love Oscar Wilde's unique and startling take on life. Makes me ponder, makes me laugh!!

My favourite Oscar Wilde Quote :
I can resist anything but temptation.

Here are a few others:

To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

Man is least himself when he talks in his person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.

Clouds and masts

2007-08-02T15:24:00.001-04:00

Sunset boat cruise, St. Augustine.

Factory Made

2007-07-31T09:39:00.000-04:00

Have you been to a plastic place... moulded in the factory and placed for bare function,usually ugly, no identity, no relation to context, one amongst a million others....like a mobile home which can be picked up and plonked anywhere; it would be just as out of place there too.....No? Then visit the smaller cities of America...you'll know what I'm talking about.

2007-07-27T16:19:00.000-04:00

Lucky Ali songs take me to a different place. His voice is like water as it trickles to dusty corners of mind, awakening emotions long forgotten.
A long time ago I knew a person who I thought was like such a song. A rare, lovely blend which enriches me by merely its existence. Ahhhh...life and its illusions!!!

As the sun rises

2007-07-27T15:33:00.001-04:00

I clicked this one from our balcony...on one of those rare mornings I woke up early :D

When words fail

2007-07-25T16:37:00.000-04:00

Sometimes words crumble like a sand castle that has stood for too long underneath a baking sun. Sometimes our minds cannot swallow the enormity of life. Sometimes we just lose ourselves in the maze of our thoughts. Sometimes we fool ourselves into becoming numb. Sometimes we are so weary that nothing seems to be worth it.

But Life goes on......

For my friend who lost two people who she loved within the same week.

A lullaby

2007-07-18T21:07:00.000-04:00

I suddenly had a vivid recollection of dusky chai -times and nights when my mother would talk me to sleep. She told me her stories- now they are mine, entrenched in me-and those images and impressions are branded forever in my memory.....

As I lay me down
on a lonely night
I hear her whisper,
a whisper, a soft whisper.

With a voice soaked
in our past, she
sings me a song, a
song, the sweetest song.

She washes me with
a lilting saddness as
I drown in the comfort
of darkness, a heady darkness.

She twirls a tale
as I sleep yet awaken,
she speaks of my mother,
my mother's mother's mother.

I can touch her velvet voice
as we travel away and
they fall in place- the pieces,
the pieces, the very many pieces.

I drink those words of long ago
and the walls of my mind ring
with an echo, an echo,
a poignant echo.

2007-07-16T20:17:00.000-04:00

Yup...I'm not going to be posting much for a month. Totally busy.

We have a guest .....the Guru of Healthy Living....my mother in law :)

Magic of place

2007-07-16T20:04:00.000-04:00

Some places have it and some don't. A sense of being....a sense of wholeness that resonates with the its context. Or maybe I could describe it as a life of its own with its merits and its flaws...like a person. When it has a story to tell that somehow links everyone who walks by.

Maybe its a sort of timelessness...... or should I say an ability to float through time? And you feel your presence as if its aware of you. Its like you're really alive....more alive than usual. I wonder how that comes to be? By virtue of design, history or thriving inhabitation?

Or something more intangible and metaphysical?

The Problem with this country

2007-07-06T09:16:00.000-04:00

The Problem with this country is that they won't give you a PHD if you don't dot your "i"s.

2007-07-02T09:14:00.000-04:00

As you can see I have been customizing my template and I worked on Photoshop after a very long time. And let me tell you Photoshop has therapeutic properties! Once I started I couldn't stop.....And I took out some pictures I shot in the past six months and worked on them too. Here they are.
This one above was shot in a service plaza. We were driving from Houston to San Antonio and it got so hot that Ash decided to stop and take a mini nap.

The boat picture, one of my favorites. I shot this is we were canoing down rainbow springs. Oh!! And this was before Ash lost his paddle...thats another story!!

The one below is also from the same expedition. Its a beautiful park/forest- the water is bright blue and trees are huge. They have these trails winding around a number of cascades (artificial but lovely anyway)

The picture below is one of the San Antonio sky. As you can see I've used the same image for my Blog Heading :)

2007-06-26T11:54:00.000-04:00

Does art really make a difference? Or is it just another medium of elite entertainment? Or something that gratifies your senses?

I often wonder- like all those who attempt to reconfirm faith in their cause- if beauty really changes things at all. If it can really touch a person, a soul...if it can nudge a society toward refinement and culture.

Sometimes as I open myself to metaphors, their meanings and their secret depths.....I gasp and marvel for a while and then I feel somehow disappointed that it doesn't really leave a mark....It washes over me and I'm still the same. Unmoved. And I go back to the same world I came from.

Anything larger than life is expected to take you away from reality....maybe therein lies the paradox. Art as fantasy or as a response to the real....depends on the notion behind creation and the whim of the perceiver. But sometimes thats all there is....a whimsical whim. It agonizes me, pains me that this conception/comprehension is so fragile, so elusive. Yet it is so tremendous....it swallows me whole. And yet I cannot touch it.

I can sympathize with Rand's Dominique as she wants to destroy beauty because she cannot bear to see it mutilated by.....life. In fact, I envy her profound passion. To her frozen perfection leaps to life and the rest fades away.

2007-06-22T10:12:00.000-04:00

I hate white light....its stark, ugly, and crude. Its ok for wal-mart...but I think it should be otherwise banned!!!
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!!!!

(whew!! That feels good :D)

The Leaf and I

2007-06-21T12:47:00.000-04:00

She sits upon her twig
high up on a willow
and smiled as I
whizzed by in hurry.
'Where to?', she whispers to me
and I bellow out an answer
of castles and seas larger than I.
She wants to know more
whether the castle has a song
or if the sea could laugh
but I'm not sure so
I tell her I'm late. Then
a while later I change my mind
and rush the other way
seeking a desert and a spring.
She wonders why I left
the sea and the castle on the cliff
and she asks why I din't stay
to learn their story.
She asks me questions I
don't want to answer, questions
which i don't want to hear.
So I pretend to be rushed and
blow past her as she
clings to her twig
high up on a willow.

I cant think of a title for this one!!!

2007-06-06T15:02:00.000-04:00

I think everyone needs to be king somewhere, sometime in his or her life. Even the most quiet, unassuming of the lot need to know they can rule...or at least hold the spotlight for a while. Its this sweet lingering memory that propels us through reality.

Narrating my life.....

2007-06-04T17:19:00.000-04:00

Ever since I started blogging I seem to go about life hunting for moments or ideas that I can put into my blog. Its like this parallel processing my brain seems to be doing as it tries to capture the little ironies that hold my attention or flitting thoughts that breeze through my mind. And as I walk down the driveway, check in my luggage or water my little indoor plant, I seem to string together words and see how it all unfolds. Though most of it does not find its way here (since the moment is lost or I just forget), I think I've become a Thought-Collector.

2007-05-03T17:20:00.000-04:00

I don't know if the next three weeks are gonna be the longest or the shortest!!

Murphy's law....

2007-04-30T17:23:00.000-04:00

How much of bad luck can you have in one morning? I had my drivers test today...and I had to drive myself (which is not allowed because I just have a learners') to the office....took a wrong turn and had to drive back....had a document missing so had to call up the insurance company to fax it across and hence was 10 min late for the appointment....and then i flunked my test due to a bad case of nerves....and i kinda misplaced my learners' permit and had to hunt for it for ages!!!! Then had to drive back....!!! And the cherry on the cake was that today was boiling HOT!!!

When sadness isnt sadness

2007-04-27T17:52:00.000-04:00

Sometimes we cling to our sorrow like a plank in a ship wreck....holding on to it to keep our head above water. Our gloom seems to give us identity among the ocean of people around us. Or we hold it up like a priceless prize. And carry it around close to our hearts like an achievement.

Last hope for survival or a trophy to be showcased.

Little nothings

2007-04-23T19:16:00.000-04:00

My fingers brush against the keys
To find the words that scurry away
Like little crabs upon deserted shores.

Its heavy, its strong,it grips my heart
but what it is I cannot say,
If I could I wouldn't feel this way.

VT.....

2007-04-20T12:45:00.000-04:00

VT has set off an avalanche of blogs, I'm sure. And this another snowball.

So much has been said already and I choose not to state the obvious. What amazes me is that there is so much of tragedy in a society which is economically stable, socially evolved (supposedly), and which has access to pretty much everything. Medicine, education, your basic day to day needs, entertainment, opportunity....you name it.

And most importantly freedom....freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom to dress the way you want, freedom to make money.....freedom to change your sex, for godsake!! Isn't this supposed to be an ideal society where justice prevails and people live happily ever after?

So now its not money, not the green lusty greed, not religion, not war or peace, not politics or power...then what is the reason that this boy has tread the dark, murky waters into the recesses of his mind? If its such a perfect world which runs as smooth as clock-work, then why does the system collapse so miserably? In a country which prizes national security above all else (to the extent that it goes to war with an already crumbling nation) how can young civilians be shot so easily, so simply in broad daylight?

What should be the solution? More rules? More laws? And more vigilant systems? Will that be enough? Or do we dare an attempt to find out whats really wrong with paradise.

"Oh! I made Biryani along with....."

2007-04-11T15:50:00.000-04:00

I was in a grumpy mood on Saturday. For no particular reason. Ash tells me "Why dont you call up your mom and tell her you made rava laddu. That will cheer you up!!"

I growled and said nothing but that statement wrung a smile from me later that day. I didn't realize I was so transparent. But its true. I slave over (ok, I'm exaggerating) a new dish, wait for Ash to come home and test it; if and when he shows the thumbs up, I get hyper and excited till I tell some one back home.

It could be because I'm bored or maybe I am so amazed that I am actually not-so-bad at something I expected to fail miserably at. When I first got here, it was an effort to put a brave face, look as if I knew what I was doing and keep reminding myself not to burn down the kitchen. Well, I dint burn it down though the smoke detector has squealed in terror more than a few times.

And its not just cooking but home-making in the general sense. Stacking the magazines, taking out the trash, watering the plant and throwing pebbles at garden lizards.(The last one may not be too house-wifely but its fun)I manage most of it and did I mention that I've not burnt the kitchen down? Yes and finally, I've not lost my sanity. Now, that is an accomplishment.

No, really it is. For the simple reason that i used to be a total career-junkie at one point of time. Getting 8 hours of sleep at night and free time during weekends used to be like a decadent vacation. I used to enjoy the franticly rushing, pedestrian swearing, mad life to the hilt.

But I've not sobered down completely. Have faith in God, humanity and the craziness of my soul. I hope to transform into a coffee gulping, traffic-light running over-worked machine soon. Cheers!!!

The Different Life

2007-04-06T20:40:00.000-04:00

As kids, we grow with up opinions of grown-ups and the things they do. Oh, I'm so not gonna do that when I'm older!! Or I'm never going to join that band-wagon as an adult!!I'm gonna be so much cooler than that!

Our perspective of many things from down there seems so different now we're up here and see eye to eye on all those issues. Or perhaps it is expectation and grooming that condition us to walk along the road our parents and those before have taken. Or our very definition of whats cool or rather whats important changes.

Right now, I surprise myself as I undertake so many "uncool" tasks with gusto and I'm even more startled to find myself enjoying most of them. A lot of things my parents did make sense and some of them inspire awe.

Everyone thinks he or she is different and yet all of us fall into a pattern. Even the ones who refuse to fit in will follow other "refuse-to-fit-in"s. No two snowflakes are the same yet not one of the millions of snowflakes stands out. Their differences become uniform, stereotyped.

Hmmm...I sound so melancholic. But its true. Try zooming out of your life....the issues that loom over us are reduced to dots and we ourselves are a tiny part of much bigger mechanism.

Blog About Blogs

2007-04-02T19:07:00.000-04:00

Like all new bloggers, I've been surfing the blog-o-sphere to see and perhaps, learn. Well, I'm not gonna crib about those who devote their writing to their daily routine or those who account, very publicly, for every calorie they intake.

I'm gonna crib about cliches. I came across this blog group, or whatever it is they are called, by a few people I am vaguely acquainted to. And they have put together, what seems to me as copies of copies of copies....Like saying something for the sake of saying it. Or saying something that has been said ...like maybe a couple of million times. There is nothing remotely original about the narrative or the content. But to compensate(?), there was an abundance of "desi learns to talk American" phrases.

I'm just wondering is this just an outcome of showing off the "hippest" side of their personalities....or is it that they're thoughts are reduced to this as well?

"Excuse me.....Where am I?"

2007-03-29T09:15:00.000-04:00

I think I've mentioned that I'm learning to drive. I'm doing well, thank you very much! As long as I have my navigator (read that as Ash) beside me.
"Right or left?" I keep asking him at every signal...and he booms out "We take this route everyday...can't you figure it out?"
So I'm not a map-finder...yes, I shamelessly fall back on that cliche. The system of numbered roads and a gridded network baffle me. Back home, we went by landmarks and names as opposed to exits and numerals. I mean, would u recall a "Cathedral road" or "SR 200" ?
The thought of driving in a highway and figuring out where I'm going seems terrifying to me. The numbers seem to slide off my head within a few seconds. The loops, turns, this-a-ways and that-a-ways are a wee bit too much. And MapQuest with its mixed up directions doesn't help.
The most agonizing part is the fact that you CANNOT stop and ask for directions. Next time you people back home swear at an unruly pedestrian, or complain of crazy cyclists...remember that these very people can point out the right way at times of distress. Ah!! The grass is always greener....

Marketing for the numbed

2007-03-26T13:11:00.000-04:00

Its like everybody is out to con you. They say its free and it is; only that to use it you have to pay. They say its on sale and it is; only that it works out just as expensive anyways. Everybody is marketing, Everybody is selling and they push and prod until out of sheer exhaustion you buy.

But a daily commuting, fast food consuming urban dweller develops a partial immunity for this kind of advertising. I say partial because he is already caught in the vicious cycle. The immunity causes his eyes to glaze instantly when commercials that lurk behind talk shows and sitcoms spring out in action. And the promotions on the radio are given the same importance as the hum of the microwave. You get the picture.

What is appalling is the sheer quantity you have to block to preserve your sanity and your bank balance. Thats when you want to leave all the trappings of a capitalist society behind and decide to tread into the wilderness...and what do you know, it follows you there too..."Oh, is your tent branded?" "I'm sorry, this fishing area is reserved for the Platinum members!!"

Sometimes I feel, this culture of hounding/marketing and over advertising is eating into the soul of society. I wonder if there is a way out? I wonder if the corporate biggies can churn out a healthier alternate?

Sunbathing in Rainbow Springs

2007-03-18T11:03:00.000-04:00

We went canoing yesterday down Rainbow springs and we found Mr. Turtle taking a nap on a tree trunk, soaking in the sun.....and pow!!! I shot him...take a peek!

Fragments of rain thought

2007-03-16T09:19:00.000-04:00

Someone once told me that the rain makes the world look like a watercolor. The hues wet and blurry and the tones, soft.

The rain makes me quiet. Its a beautiful melancholy that washes my mind and a strange emotion that I can't quite name, fills me. Wisps of thought float along- sometimes coherent and sometimes not.

And today, as I watch the rain dance on my patio, bursting into tiny explosions as it touches the ground....i go into this trance.

Subtle water, strong water...water so hypnotic and yet so mild. Life-giving water that will someday destroy the world.

Identity Crisis

2007-03-14T16:21:00.000-04:00

When i blog, i picture myself talking to someone....and each time i blog, that someone varies. And thats why its happened. The identity crisis, i mean. My blog doesnt know who its talking to...each post sports a new mood, accent and style. Catered for a different set. Just like me. I change to suit the audience...hell, I change to suit my fancy. Just for fun...its like I get bored if I'm the same me for too long.
So if you read something you really relate to...its meant for you :)

p.s: the last one was jus an experiment with youtube...getting the hang of things!!:D

Are you scared of teeny fish?

2007-03-07T11:15:00.000-05:00

Ice fishing is more dangerous than you think....

Why I cant ride a bicycle

2007-03-06T19:02:00.000-05:00

Its not completely true...that I can't ride a bicycle, i mean. When i was around seven, I used zip around the apartment terrace in shiny red cycle. We- my friends and I- used to blow mist into the chilly air as sped along chasing one another, circling around the ventilation ducts. The pride of being the fastest (never mind the oldest :D) is quite heady, let me tell you. Yes, I could ride a bicycle.

Then some know-it-all kid at school popped my bubble. "Riding with safety wheels doesn't count!!!" " Really? Says who?" "Says me and I'm taller!!!" Ok..he had a point. And I had to admit defeat...I couldn't ride a bicycle......yet!

With this new found revelation of my naivete and a couple of bruises (You guessed it...i tried to ride without my extra set of wheels), I asked my cousin to teach me the art in the propah way.

Oh! what fun!!! I would sit on the bicycle and pedal slowly as he gave me stern instructions and a whole lot of encouragement. I would smile loftily at my mum, perched on the verandah seat. And holler at my other cousins who tried to get in the way asking for a turn.

And then he let go. Woooooops! End of fun. I crashed into a lily shrub (Poor shrub!! No more lilies for you) I think I cleared out about half the plants in my grandparents' garden by the end of that summer vacation. Oh and there were scratches, bruises and some more scratches all over me....and sadly, him as well.

Well, all was not in vain for there was vast improvement. I was steadier than before and could drive on our street. I could cycle steadily for about five minutes as long as nothing made me nervous. Like dogs, people in the way, other vehicles in the vicinity or an approaching turn. Thats when I would close my eyes. And then I would either crash into my already bruised and battered cousin or into a street lamp. As he did not pose an electric hazard, I felt my cousin the safer option.

And then he gave up....just like that!!! Without rhyme or reason, threw his bruised purple hands in the air and walked away. Or rather limped away. I crushed his little toe when i was trying to maneuver a tricky turn. Whatever happened to cousinly love?

That was the tragic end of my childhood cycling lessons. The next time I attempted to ride was when I was around 20 and in an expedition to Auroville. Auroville- international city, land of experiments and dreams, mud roads and complete absence of streetlights and signages...It had to be Auroville!

If you haven't been to Auroville, I'll let you know that there is no public transport. You could rent two wheelers and navigate through the dusty spiraling roads. And thats what my friends and I chose to do. All of them opted for mopeds or scooties and I settled for...guess what? A bicycle!!

To my surprise, I managed to ride back to our dorm. I was wobbly but I could ride. The next afternoon we planned a trip to the matr-mandir (the huge sphere at the eye of the spiraling roads). I rode. Wobble, ride, wobble, ride...when something in the way moves, stop the cycle. Its a simple enough process if you get used to it. My confidence rose and on the way back, it was smooth sailing until i lost my balance and drove right into a thorn bush!!! Need I say more?
No more cycles please....I've given it up for the good. Mine and humanity in general!!!

But I am learning to drive!

Just a thought

2007-02-28T15:35:00.000-05:00

I think expression is like water; if one vent is closed, it swirls within you- rippling, rumbling, sometimes roaring until it finds another way to flow.

Cafe Unique

2007-02-27T14:27:00.000-05:00

Anokhi means unique and unique it is, this cafe in the very heart of my city. It sits so very quietly beside a busy road, hidden behind a plethora of greens. A little pathway takes you from the parking lot to a boutique (which is frightfully expensive) and further down, to rickety garden furniture strewn amidst a cove of trees. Tall floor mounted fans spin to ward away the humid heat and a large net is hung overhead to ensure leaves don't drop into your salsa.

The menu is funny....limited, but funny. There's a bit of Italian...and you can spot Indianized Mexican, some all-time American favourites...as Lou Bega would say "a little bit of this and a little bit of that"

The service is slow....i mean real slow. There times I've had to walk up to the counter and ask for the check, after all efforts of frantic waving and calling out to the waiter hadn't worked. Its better to let them know at the start of the meal if its gonna be a "I've gotta meeting at 2.00" lunch.

What i love about the place is the calm....you can stay for hours, and people wont bother you with "Will there be anything else, ma'am?" Or "Could you shift to that dingy half-a-seater? We need a table for 24." Its one of the few places in the city, you can go sit by yourself, have a nice meal, read a book or simply stare at a tree.

And when I think back, I can recall I've sat there with almost all of my closest friends at some point of time. In large groups- laughing, chatting. And sometimes with a single person- conversing over cappuccino. So many moods. So many contexts. So many memories.

Anokhi lets you be...do your own thing. It doesn't impose, it doesn't try to make a statement...it simply is. And thats why I miss it.

Whats your favourite word?

2007-02-21T10:04:00.000-05:00

Words are beautiful little things....we use them so carelessly, so easily without really understanding their potency, their inherent little wordly qualities. I see them as tiny beads packed with meaning and definitive purpose. Strung together as sentences, flavoured with accents and moods-they are tossed across in conversations. And when these garlands touch-maybe caress, sometimes hit the other person-they explode into a shower of comprehension, imagery and colour.

Some words are hard, unyielding....like a "cut" or a "brunt"...then there those dynamic ones that can "swing" or "slash". The softer "slush". The tempting "lure".

Then there are the quiet ones, mild but shrouded in mystery like "ether"...It has a cottony feel as it slips off your lips. But my all time favorite would be "metaphor"....enigmatic and dignified. Something about it that makes it so powerful in a subdued sort of way....

2007-01-17T09:51:00.000-05:00

I used to write.....i used to have a need to express through solid words.....then the medium metamorphasized, combined with my profession...become a collage of spaces, colurs and metaphors. Now...im at the crucial node of choosing the medium...or perhaps no medium at all...

In this new land of "dreams"...(yes, its laced with sarcasm as this land has shattered mine), the rules are different, the rewards are different and the parameters are different. Its altogether a new ball game, my friend.