Existential dread and the promise of happy endings

I am researching on fairy tales for a class paper. And I want to say one thing while facts and logic point me to something else. And it should be easy to revise my opinions, open my mind but I persist in holding on to something that I can't quite fathom. A feeling that niggles at the back of my mind, a certain something thats so part of me that it has never needed any explanation.

 

What I thought would be a fairly easy assignment has turned into a relentless soul searching. Where do we draw the line between childhood security and gender manipulation? Don't we modern women like to think of ourselves as empowered in comparison to our counterparts of earlier centuries? But then what is empowerment- its not a homogenous "equality", thats obvious. And its not ensuring a safe life or the elusive "freedom". Who do we want to be? More importantly, is who we want to be pre-programmed into us by culture? There is pretty much noway to find out- erasure of culture is a culture by itself.

And yet, if its all just manipulation why do some aspects tap into psyches far far more than others? What is that naive, childhood longing that still surfaces on lonely bus rides and loud parties? Some cultures prescribe a "swallowing" while others medicate a "running away"....but its there, always lurking, ready to flow in at the slightest slip of our ambitious, determined "happiness". Ash says nobody understands what the hell I'm talking about but then....

 

But then I think many can...only that these things sound unfamiliar when they are taken out of our souls and worded into sentences.

Iman...yes!!! Hijaab...um, not now!!!

This a very difficult post to write. I don't want to sound preachy or holier than thou. What I really want to convey is my mindset and thoughts as I made an crucial decision in my life.

For years I have been struggling with the idea of embracing the Hijaab. Yes, I was raised muslim. Yet I went through a phase where I needed to know if I would have turned to Islam had I been born into a family of different beliefs- a test of Faith. I remember when I was fresh out of college and I had all these questions, when I was angry that the answers did not seem simple, when I was torn between two opposing universes that I felt could never coincide. Gradually, the pieces fell into place and things started to make sense.

I believed. I called myself a muslim with pride but wearing the Hijaab was a different matter altogether. In my mind there were huge obstacles to the simple act of dressing a little differently. The first one was, of course, What would everyone say? Would my family remind me of the times I had refused to wear a Hijaab and perhaps, patronize me a little? Would my friends whisper behind my back and laugh at how marriage washed me out? Would acquaintances think of me as a fanatic or worse a spineless, mediocre (not to mention intellectually dead) housewife? Back then I was so apologetic to drape a wispy shawl, which would more often slip down to my shoulders than stay on my head, that I felt I was in some way hurting the universe.

They second was that I found it so uncomfortable to handle the scarf. It would never ever sit on my head properly. It would slip down, mess up my hair, choke me when I tugged at it, tear when I pinned it, drop into food at the buffet table, entagle with a certain toddlers legs. (honest!! Its happened!!) Whew!! I've felt like such a klutz!!! Nothing at all like those poised Hijaabi women you see at the mall wearing Armaani scarves and Gucci boots.

And it can get hot inside a black, synthetic Hijaab. And I'm used to the wind sensually ruffling my hair. And I don't want to appear too different. And I don't want to be ostacrized. And its too complicated to match one more accessory to my outfit. And nobody will ever see me wear necklaces again. And I shall cover my hair when I'm older. And I hated those corny e-mails of how peas wear a green Hijaab and apples and bananas are happy to be in their skins too!! Oh yes!! There were so many reasons not to wear a Hijaab.

But there's only one reason to become a Hijaabi. That it is the dress code that Allah has prescribed of us. (Its funny how we are only worried about how a muslimah is "oppressed" with a dress code while a man too has limitations to what he can wear in public) I have read so many articles, seen so many videos that justify the Islamic attire- some made sense and many many others that were whimsical and childish in my opinion. None of these really touched me. A small niggle in the back of my mind gradually built up to an avalanche of shame, frustration and self doubt. I just knew it was wrong. Reason did not convince me, Faith did. If I believed in the omnipotence of my Lord, I would have to follow his law. As any empiricist will tell you, our knowledge of the world is limited to what our minds are able to perceive. We can only define what we can perceive and not what in reality is. Then with the little I am capable of knowing and the further teensy bit I actually know, I found it hugely presumptuous and arrogant of me to debate on the merits of anything our God has decreed. Period.

That being said, I have to own up that my Hijaab does slide down my hair (though not as often, Alhamdulilah:)) I don't wear it to the gym, with sarees and some other times. Don't ask me why...I'm working on it!!! As for all my excuses..... everything became easier once I started. My family was supportive, my true friends simply accepted me and I can survive the occasional odd stare. As for being a Klutz, I've always been a little clumsy...Ask all the people who've seen me fall!! But practice does make it easier to not humiliate yourself too much :D. As for the heat, there are lighter cotton options...and other minor details don't look as insurmountable. I've become more confident and so much more at peace with myself. I know who I am, don't need to make excuses to myself or anyone else and so grateful to be at this wonderful stage in my life.

Alhamdulilah.

Identity Crisis

When i blog, i picture myself talking to someone....and each time i blog, that someone varies. And thats why its happened. The identity crisis, i mean. My blog doesnt know who its talking to...each post sports a new mood, accent and style. Catered for a different set. Just like me. I change to suit the audience...hell, I change to suit my fancy. Just for fun...its like I get bored if I'm the same me for too long.
So if you read something you really relate to...its meant for you :)

p.s: the last one was jus an experiment with youtube...getting the hang of things!!:D